Amazing Spider-Man (2012) - [SPOILERS]

I'm here today to let the world know a few things, okay? There seems to be a damaging stereotype that us British are extremely positive people. We are considered polite, well mannered and...

Wait... Sorry, I've been told that completely wrong. Apparently we're cynical bastards. Fair enough. Rather accurate.

Spider-Man. You've an image in your head right? If you do, there's a very good chance that was etched into your mind with the help of Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy that crawled, climbed and leaped its way into cinemas throughout the last decade. Whilst the third movie was somewhat... controversial, the first two grabbed the hearts of the public and the scores from the critics. Aided by the X-Men films, it is generally accepted that the films shaped the formula for a modern comic book movie and completely revitalised the dying genre. Shame about Daredevil, that set it back a few years.

God DAMN you, Affleck.

But, as the trilogy ended with a whimper of a jammed firework rather than the bang everyone was expecting, Sony decided it was time to try again. The Amazing Spider-Man was announced, and it promised to deliver a fresh new experience that would establish a whole new trilogy. I'll admit, I was excited at first. I mean, I'm a massive Spider-Man fanboy, and I had watched the previous movies to death. I still leap on people who write Spider-Man without a hyphen. Still, the raving fanboy inside me had a few niggles with the older movies, particularly the characterisation of Spider-Man himself. Tobey portrayed an excellent Peter Parker, but his super alter-ego lacked the same juvenile humour and trademark irritating dialogue that helped him distract so many bad guys in the comic books. But, we were told this movie would draw a lot from the comic books. Peter's web shooters, his witty banter, the origins of his parents...

Hold on. His parents? A bead of sweat ran down my forehead. It was starting to sound a bit "gritty Hollywood reboot" to me. Batman style. Oh no. Not to Spider-Man. Not to this well-established comic book world of wonder and responsibility that was so keenly managed beforehand. And the trailers began to roll in, each one piecing together more of my fears. Peter was no longer a lovable nerd, but a hipster who in any high school in 2012 would have a small following of girls who want to be with him and boys who want to be him. Casting lists were uploaded, changed, cropped, added to. Characters emerged, and disappeared. No more Jameson. No more Harry. But I decided, I would reserve judgement. I would go to the cinema and experience what the director had envisioned. Not in 3D mind, I'm not paying an extra tenner for a headache.

Nerd? This guy would have countless followers on tumblr!

Credits roll. Goosebumps hit me. I am momentarily taken over by child-like glee. I'm seeing Spider-Man! I like Spider-Man! Pass me some more popcorn! And to be fair, the joy continued for a short while.The back story was well set up, with believable acting, even from a kid (which, let's be honest, is a rarity. Harry Potter 1, anybody?). Cutting forward to the pretty-boy teenager was a smooth one and to begin with, Andrew Garfield's interpretation of this awkward lovable nerd was cute. His lines were delivered well and his character well established. Gwen too shows off some fierceness, a well needed break from the spinning wheel of different emotions that was Kirsten Dunst's Mary Jane. As the story progressed, I felt like I could really feel the warm bond between Peter and his lovable Aunt and Uncle. In fact, I think Martin Sheen was the stand out performance of the whole movie, but being the character that he is, this was obviously going to be short lived. It's hard to maintain a good character when you're dead.

So far, so good with all the actors. Until we see this greasy, blonde British man who I'm meant to believe is Curt Connors. Now, this character is a personal favourite of mine, especially after the incredible "Spectacular Spider-Man" cartoons from a few years ago. But all traces of this character have been burned from the face of the Earth. Gone is the doting family man. Gone is his secret desire to fix his body. Instead, we have a shallow, one dimensional character who's personality aggressively shifts from scene to scene. His portrayal of the Lizard was, to be frank, laughable. Pure cliched drivel, from the moment he begins to record himself in his secret base about becoming "better than man" to his generic villain lines screeched at Parker, leaving no trace of humanity or... well anything to him.

It looks like he had a botched rhinoplasty job.

And this starts a trend. Gwen suffers from the fate of personality shifting as well, and it most definitely shows. The feisty blonde becomes awkward innocent teenager, and her intelligence ranges from science genius to rodent with a suicide wish as the movie carries on. Her relationship with Peter is such a missed shot, so flawed and unbelievable. After their 4 sentences of dialogue between each other and a horrible scene that's meant to constitute a "date", he tells the girl he barely knows his biggest secret. Bravo, Mr. Director. I've never actually felt genuine rage flow through my veins at a movie before.

The whole movie just collapses on itself as it progresses. Such a promising start leads to such a heart-crushing disappointment. The way Spider-Man is portrayed as an actual, creepy half-spider, half-man is just so bluntly wrong, and doesn't even flow well with (in my opinion, the highlight of the movie) the scene where he jokes around with a car thief. It's trying to get in too many versions of well known characters whilst trying to establish something new, and it just means that the whole thing falls flat on it's face. It's a shallow film that feels cold and distant, set in a city where nothing happens and inhabited by no-one. Every set feels tight and claustrophobic, the Lizard looked more like a mole, Norman Osborn as the head of an evil corporation was so cheesy and over-the-top, and as the movie carried on I just wanted to be sat on my backside at home watching Spider-Man 2 for the 32nd time.

To conclude, I'd have to say that, well, it's just not a movie worth seeing. There was so much potential, a wealth of history and characters to take from the comics, but in avoiding everything that the old trilogy was, all the film managed to do was side-step the magic that made the Sam Raimi films so likeable. And it's a damned shame. No film has left me feeling so sour in a long time. And I've seen X-Men: The Last Stand.